Day 21 – The Rules of Fighting

30-Day Couples Challenge

“Understand: presence of mind is the ability to detach yourself, to see the whole battlefield, the whole picture, with clarity.”

Robert Greene

Show Video Transcript

Now that we have identified when you are potentially “flooded,” and you can recognize that having a conversation during this time will not be beneficial… lets talk about what kind of plan you can put in place as a couple, to manage these situations.

It is important to understand that even if just one of you is flooded, the conversation you are attempting to have needs to stop.

Although this can be frustrating to the person who may not be flooded, and who feels the need to discuss a situation, know that it will be wasted time and potentially more harmful to your relationship.

Your task for today, is to sit down as a couple and discuss what I like to call “the rules of fighting.”

All couples engage in arguments and disagreements. If you don’t, this probably means you aren’t sharing.

Disagreements are not “bad” and are actually healthy. Where they become unhealthy, is when the Four Horseman are present and issues become gridlocked.

In such situations, neither of you make any attempt to really understand each other and often you feel stuck.

It is important to set ground rules around how to handle disagreements that lead to one or both of you feeling flooded.

Are you someone who needs to resolve things right away? Or do you need space?

If you need space, what does that look like and for how long? Where and when will you resume the conversation? What will you do if you are flooded?

Answer these questions and find a good time when you are both in a calm state to discuss some ground rules. Having an agreed upon plan can be helpful in setting you up for success in this area.

Click to watch the video and download this PDF to access your task for the day.

If you experience gridlock with your partner, give us a call at 330-673-5812 to get paired with one of our skilled clinicians for guidance.